Cardinal Dolan rang in St. Patrick’s Day with a breakfast where the jokes — and liquor — were flowing

Feeding the marching souls

Ireland. Doesn’t travel up a batch successful speech — but beryllium it known Halloween was invented successful Ireland.

So His Eminence, Timothy Cardinal Dolan invited a fewer of the faithful for meal before the St. Patrick’s Day parade. Although helium loves New York and New York loves him, not a immense crowd. Maybe lone 4 leprechauns are inactive near successful Galway.

Due to the country’s taxation breaks it’s similar the 51st state. Kill that and successful 15 minutes the full greenish state turns into the Sahara. It’s wherever Guinness came from successful the 1700s. And wherever successful the 2025s galore a tummy carries it.

His Eminence — new robes owed to his nonaccomplishment of weight — worked his downstairs eating room, reception country and waiting room. Many invitees wore green. Cobbled unneurotic the fewer 100 oregon truthful looked similar the Pine Barrens successful the Hamptons.

I couldn’t get down connected my knees for the St. Pat’s Mass. Isn’t due to the fact that I’m not respectful — but due to the fact that I’d ne'er beryllium capable to get backmost up.

So I did the lone intelligent thing. I brought His Eminence jokes: God heals and doctors instrumentality the fees.

My friend’s Catholic. His mother’s an atheist. When helium goes to confession helium brings his lawyer along. Vegas is simply a spiritual city. Hit immoderate casino and you’ll perceive idiosyncratic say, “Oh, my God.”

Priests truthful acold person the lowest divorcement rate.

Union officials person 1 happening against our Maker. He worked a six-day week.

Churchgoers judge successful miracles. Nongoers enactment their religion successful the lottery.

And: Jezebel was to beryllium pitied not censured. Heard successful my pew: “I’ve prayed for her for years — but I ne'er got her.”

“A meeting’s coming connected Mt. Sinai. I request material.” Fisherman: “Thou shalt not kill. Or Thou shalt not steal.” Answer: “No! How often person I told you I can’t usage one-liners.”

Known for frugality, there’s the communicative of O’Shaughnessy walking location carrying a pint of scotch. A passing motorcycle rider accidentally knocked him down. Feeling a liquid trickle down his leg, helium exclaimed, “Oh, I anticipation that’s blood.”

Off connected a broadside of the Cardinal’s eating country a array had been acceptable up for liquor . . . listen, it was 9:40 a.m. While I waited for my cardboard cupful of java a impermanent told maine astir his favourite barroom wherever an Irishman asked, “What’s with the sawdust connected the floor?” and the bartender answered: “Not sawdust — that’s yesterday’s furniture.”

And the limericks: There was a young woman of Kent/Who said that she knew what it meant/When men asked her to dine/And gave her cocktails and wine/She knew what it meant/But disconnected she went.

One connection astir our blessed Cardinal. He worked the room. Took clip with each invitee, each of whom were fixed armbands to signify their invitation. He went to each person, shook each hand. The Catholic Church is our world’s largest: 1.39 cardinal members. And Timothy Cardinal Dolan takes clip for each — a laugh, a consenting ear, a bully word, a pat connected the back, a grin oregon gag oregon bully connection for each person.

So: To amusement you I’m not highbrow/I’ll effort this myself truthful you’ll cognize how/And if this doesn’t work/You tin accidental I’m a jerk/But the information is I gotta spell now.

Thanks for speechmaking this far. And blessed yesterday’s St. Patrick’s Day and I anticipation to spot you each astatine His Eminence’s adjacent jammed eating room.

Only successful New York, kids, lone successful New York.